7th March 08: Destination Manila from Houston via Guam, via Honolulu, on the way to visit Baguio City. I am a captive of Continental airlines and the experience reminds me of the reasons why I dislike flying cattle class with any of the old school of US carriers.
Reason #1: Communication: My itinerary tells me to check in is at terminal C but when I get my boarding card, it in fact leaves from terminal E. No big deal but I get to my flight just as it is boarding. I would have liked the time to have checked my emails.
I board and 15 minutes later, a fellow passenger arrives in my middle row seat but he is sweating, out of breath and looking unhappy. It turns out he had also checked in at C but had to run to far end of E to catch the flight. Not good for a man of his overweight stature.
Reason #2: Attention to detail. The flight was late departing and an attendant came up and asked Mr. sweaty if he had purchased both seats. “No”. A few minutes late, another overweight passenger, this time an older women who was looking very flustered came up looking for our row. I helped her get her bag in the overhead; she steps on my foot and sits down.
To break the ice, I ask if she is going to Hawaii. “No Guam” and I then hear her story. She is traveling from Pittsburg to Guam to visit her Marine son. Son bought the ticket and requested a wheelchair in IAH on the booking. Wheelchair never turns up. Continental rep eventually gets a cart who look at ticket at take her to C14 instead of E14. (What is it about Terminal C vs. E on our seating row?) Nobody at gate and the lady eventually notices, walks up to a Continental rep who sort of organizes it by tearing a strip off an airport guy who radio’s up for help. The same cart guy, who had dropped her off, comes by to pick up old lady who previously tipped him $5. Old lady gets to gate to find it boarded already but luckily gate not closed. (I believe they would have been looking at luggage vs. people on board to pull her stuff off.). Not only that that but she had lost her aisle seat that she wanted due to her ‘Circulation problems’.
Reason #3: Drinks. I paid a few $Ks for this international flight so why do you want to charge me $5 for a crappy beer when your foreign competitors give it free. Some of the European ones even have an open bar. I decide not to give them any more money so select soft drinks only.
Reason #4: See #2. Lady neighbor falls asleep after take off and starts snoring loudly. Great.
Reason #5: Flight Entertainment selection is old or just rubbish. By the Way Continental, “Starsky and Hutch” is not current release you cheap skate bunch of penny pinching bastards. Not only that but you have to pay $1 for the headphones. Stick it.
Reason #6: See #4: The Overweight and now asleep, lady spills the cup of water that was resting on her lap. I go and get some towels for her and lie that it didn’t spill over me.
Reason #7: Food. Despite the flowery article in the in-flight magazine, the food handed out was not proudly selected or designed by a ‘top’ chef.
Lunch plate consisted of cheese pizza (heated as still in its plastic wrapper); limp lettuce (whatever happened to the ½ cherry tomato that used to be in there?), some dressing which probably would have taken away the taste of the limp lettuce, dessert of sorts (sponge topped with sugary goo) and bag of chips (aka crisps). The crisps were pretty good, the rest untouched. Even overweight lady didn’t want my leftovers.
The afternoon snack was ½ turkey sandwich, bag of carrots and bag of M&Ms. The latter two were as expected. After looking at others eating theirs, I gave a miss to the sandwich.
Some hours later and now feeling pretty hungry, ‘dinner’ has a promising ring to it. “Steak or Chicken” asked the attendant. “Steak please” only to find out from the top label it was really “Beef with Japanese Curry sauce”. (No fillet Mignon from Mr. top chef?). It gets worse in that the veg has celery in it. I can’t stand Celery. The beef was overcooked and tasteless so I ate the rice and curry sauce only. This meal also came with the same old limp lettuce with limp dressing. I guess it is a trend: a lettuce only salad.
Reason #8: See #3. I really need a beer as I am pissed off with my shitty food selection so I have to fork out $5.
Reason #9: Maintenance. Taking off from Honolulu initially didn’t happen. After firing everything up, all electrics die on us. It is hot and there is no air conditioning. One hour 30 minutes delay whilst they replace a component. Water brought around after about 30 minutes. (I am not sure if this was just unlucky of if Continental are penny pinching on their preventive maintenance schedule. The mood I am in votes penny pinching !)
Reason #10: Overbooking. All flight legs were full. When I booked in, I selected my seats to get empty ones around me. Check in also confirmed they were empty. On the Guam to Honolulu, I find another overweight lady (see #2) come last minute to fill the middle seat. Closer look showed she only had one functioning eye !
The uni-visioned one asked me to help with her luggage and sat down, asked me some questions that I asked her to repeat and when I responded, looked at me like she didn’t understand. I just thought she was slightly deaf or something. When #9 happened, she mildly freaked out and I explained things to calm her down. She nodded appropriately.
Reason #11: Linked to above, I fall asleep and have no idea if I am snoring loudly. I am shaken awake to find out it is my neighbor wanting to go to the restroom. I see that the passenger the other side is widely awake so I am pissed off that she didn’t simply ask him. I guess it was my fault by being friendly.
Reason #12: We are nearing Guam and the strange lady says something about the landing card for Guam. “No, No, thanks but I do not need one. I am not staying”. Eventually I understand that she does not have her glasses so she is unable to complete it. She wants me to do it for her. I reluctantly agree knowing deep down this is not going to be a straight forward as you’d think.
It starts off with first box, last name. The last name on boarding card does not match name on passport. “Which name do you want to use?” Blank look.
“Should I use xxxxxx or yyyyy?”. Blank look. “I suggest we use xxxxxx., the name on your passport”. “Yes, xxxxxx” she says.
First name, DOB, place of birth, everything I get from the passport until we get to “Address in Guam” so I ask her where she is staying. Blank look. “I need the hotel or address where you are staying in Guam to complete this”. Pause. “3 days” she says.
“Sorry, I don’t need how long but WHERE”. Bigger pause, “3 days”. Lordy.
I ask guy at far end of our row (He’d a fed agent as I could see his ID in top pocket) for help in case it was a dialect issue. Nope. Same non-understanding.
After discussing with the Fed., I left address blank for lady #2 to explain at immigration. For rest of questions on what she was brining with her, the devil inside me was telling me “tick yes” to smuggling of plants, stays at farms , money laundering. Although I chuckled to myself as I imagined the consequences, the angel inside me ticked “no” to such scenarios. After completion, she signed but I had to point her where.
Reason #13: Attitudes. I am guessing that it may be related to the way older staff have been messed around with pensions etc but quite a few of the stewardess no longer seem to be into their job. One over tanned and past her prime bottled blond (think “Something about Mary”) came across as particularly grumpy. I see this often when I fly with the old school. Burn out / passenger fatigue.
So was there anything positive about the flight you may ask? Yes, I got there safely (albeit 2 hours late) and I got some reward miles out of it and probably closer to next grade of premium status. The latter two are minor points as redeeming milage for a journey with this airline is not exactly inspiring me.
Ah, the romance of travel.
Phileas Fogg,
Manila, Philippines
* Adopted from “Reasons to be Cheerful, part 3” by Ian Dury and the Blockheads.
