He's got a ticket to Ride

STOP THE PRESSES ! Huge important News this week:AFP "Former prime minister Tony Blair was caught travelling on a train without a ticket and any cash to pay the fare, his spokesman said on Wednesday.

Blair was confronted by a ticket inspector as he travelled to London's Heathrow airport to catch a flight to the United States on Monday, spokesman Matthew Doyle said.

"Mr Blair just didn't have any cash on him," Doyle said. "One of the policemen travelling with him offered to pay for the ticket, but the ticket inspector said it wasn't necessary."

"All right for some" may some people who wish to discuss the two tiered system of the Hoi-poloi vs the plebs but my commentary is more on the ticket inspector. I applaud the common sense attitude of the ticket inspector for not making a big deal over this. The Lower ranks of Britain are usually great for their pragmatism.

I've been let off two speeding tickets thanks to the leeway of the individual British policemen. First one was after coming out of 45 mph to 30 mph and my house was just inside that, the second when I was VERY over limit when I was cruising like I drove in Germany. The cop let me off as I didn't have a UK address on my licence and whilst I should have to appear in front of a judge for a non-fixed fine, the courts would not open until 3 days away due to a public holiday weekend. He didn't want to put me in the police clink for that length of time so he let me off with a caution. Thanks PC Plods. It is not forgotten.

At school, I was guilty of many things that got me trouble. I was caned at least twice but my peak crime was being busted with having my homemade beer in my bag. I was intending to give it to somebody later in the day where is was end of term. Luckily for me, I was not expelled based on the Deputy head looking at my academic record and fact that I was so near to finishing school. He just confiscated my illicit stash and gave me a stern lecture about pulling myself together and not fecking my life up. Kids will be kids and I went on to University and speeding excepted, sorta turned out OK. Thanks Mr. Deputy head for that but I know you enjoyed my beer.

The Zero tolerance of the school system in US would have been a disaster to me. I shake my head when I hear of stupid practices such as kids finding something at school, turning it in to teacher and then being busted for being in of the thing they turned in. Randy Cassingham on his "This is true" raises the stupidity of ZT.

Same with much of the Police and their attitude to enforcing laws. Sometime I believe we have a Legal system in the US, not a justice system. For traffic offences, they ticket people only for them to play the system and get off. Two people committing same offence will get different punishment based on the calibre of their lawyer. Sometime is it the enforcement of stupid laws that gets to me: For example the case of jailing 1 teenager for 10 years for consensual Oral sex. See Genarlow Wilson's story. The kid's life was ruined by doing things kids are doing throughout America and not prosectuted in other states.

I'd add the TSA to my rant on the ZT approach that would be discussing "SECURITY". Das ist Verbotten. We've all heard the message in the airport "Security is a serious matter. Jokes made will be taken seriously".

I guess I'll keep the "How many TSA personnel would it take to change a light bulb" joke to myself next time I am at the airport. I imagine their response "A wiseguy eh?" Let me put on another rubber glove. Come with me. Extra dry KY over here.

Phileas Fogg,
Houston, Texas
April 26th 2008

You drive me crazy

Driving to work the other day, I was traveling in the fast lane of a four lane freeway and approaching a car dawdling along where cars in front were having to undertake to get past.

Coming closer, I see the driver is talking to the front seat passenger. No longer paying attention, he drifts into to the next lane as an 18 wheeler truck approaches. The trucker blows his air horns to avoid an accident. I honk my horn with the honk code for "hey dumb ass, pay attention and whilst you are it, Get over".

As you can probably gather by now, idiots who sit in the overtaking lane oblivious to the world, are a particular hot button of mine. Mexicans in beaten up pick ups, SE Asian women in Japanese cars, people on phones and old people in sedans seem to be particularly fond of this practice in Houston (all of this based on my unscientific study of driving around them and looking giving them the evil eye).

Some hope that the law may pay attention to this is an autoblog article stating that Oklahoma is now going after slow drivers in left hand lane. Today they are receiving a warning but apparently, the Sooner Troopers will be handing out $206 tickets. Hooray, a step in the right direction. Jail'em I say !

I lived in Germany and lane disciple is a big thing there. On the Germany Autobahns, soon as you overtake, you pull back in. Not only is it a courtesy and the law, but it is in your interest to do it. German autobahns outside the cities often have no speed limit. Sounds great, you may say BUT the autobahn is often 2 lanes that go over the topology of the land with not much visibility into the distance. Whilst you may overtake at 60mph, the high powered sports mobile 3 miles away but doing 180mph cannot see you or you him until it is dangerously close and he is flashing the headlights furiously to say "verlassen Sie eine meine Weise!"

If you've ever wondered by German car companies are pioneers in car safety features such as ABS, Stability control or airbags, then just drive on a German Autobahn. When you brake at high speeds in crappy Winter weather and visibility, you need every accessory including a rosary. On the otherhand, in Germany is it against the law to undertake on the autobahn. They are also big into cameras and even use it to measure how close you are to a car whilst driving at speed. Too close and you'll get a ticket in the post.

I'd love to get Motorbike again but am hesitant to get one in Houston due to the poor standard of driving and not being a cat, I only have 1 life: There are simply so many people gabbing on their cells, I've seen a few texting, redneck drivers who switch across 4 lanes from fast lane to exit last minute, bubbleheads putting on their makeup whilst driving.

In self reflection into my newly discovered driving piousness, perhaps I am suffering from the Lake Wobegon effect and overestimate my achievements and capabilities in relation to others.

After surveying drivers, the Swedish researcher Ola Svenson found that 80% of respondents rated themselves in the top 30% of all drivers.

Coming from Europe, I MUST be in that 30%. After all, We Europeans are superior in everything and Welsh are best at everything!! Scrub that, after I think about European track record in the last few decades, I'll settle for being in the 80% of the 30% instead.

Are the Europeans really the best drivers in the world? Hell no. From the 2003 Darwin Awards I quote:

A 27-year-old French woman lost control of her car on a highway near Marseilles and crashed into a tree, seriously injuring her passenger and killing herself. As a commonplace road accident, this would not normal qualify for a Darwin nomination, were it not for the fact that the driver's attention had been distracted by her electronic "Tamagotchi" key ring, which had started urgently beeping for food while she drove along the highway. In an attempt to press the correct buttons to save the "Tamagotchi's" life, the woman lost her own.

Drive in Southern Europe (especially Naples) to see what bad driving it like and just look at the mortality rates on german autobahns. Restrictions on Speed laws in Germany is comparable to gun controls in US. No gain but plenty of pain to any politican proposing it.

I would love for the Texas driving standards to be improved upon. Apparently according to the autochannel, Houston is not the worst city for least courteous drivers but ranks # 11 ! Miami holds #1 spot with NY, Boston, LA, DC being next in line. (After reading this, I guess I should count my blessings).

If I look back at my own driving record, my driving standard has changed with age.

When I was younger, I would drive pedal to the metal on freeways whenever I could but as I get older and with some speeding tickets behind me, I tend to stay within speed limits.

I had mobile phone in my car in 90's and whilst talking on a trip at night, I almost drove through some construction as I was not paying attention. That was a big lesson: I no longer talk on the phone whilst driving as I can't do two things at once. Europe has mostly banned use of mobile whilst driving. I wonder when US will catch up.

So as I get older, I may finally be able to cast that first stone and graduate to the 30% club. However, getting older has it's problems and good track record is not a predictor of future ones. "Fiesta driver, 93, wrecks two Porsches Daily Telegraph"

If you are going to have an accident after 76 years of incident-free motoring, you might as well do it in style - though that was the last thing on Jack Higgs's mind as he hurtled towards two Porsches. The 93-year-old, who had received not so much as a parking ticket since he began driving at 17, caused £60,000 worth of damage to the two sports cars after losing control of his Ford Fiesta.

Mr Higgs, a retired Pentecostal minister, was parking next to a Porsche showroom when his car shot backwards. First, his 13-year-old hatchback hit a gleaming red Carrera II which acted as a ramp, causing Mr Higgs's car to flip over on to a silver Porsche 911 parked alongside. Staff in the showroom ran outside to be confronted by a scene of wreckage and Mr Higgs hanging upside down by his seatbelt in his overturned car. Dave Coombs, a dealer at the showroom in Penarth, near Cardiff, said on Monday: "It was amazing. We could hardly believe our eyes at the damage. "He managed to get himself free and walked out without a scratch. But the Porsches were a real mess.

"There was glass and bits of broken metal everywhere, but Jack is such a gentleman he asked for a sweeping brush to help clear them up. "But we walked him to his home for a cup of sweet tea while the breakdown trucks arrived to tow away the cars. "I'm not too concerned about the cars - what matters is that Jack survived which is incredible considering his great age."

The widower is well-known to staff at the garage, RS Porsche, because he lives next door. He is allowed to drive across the forecourt to reach his garage almost every day - something he has been doing for the last 45 years without any hitches.

He cannot explain how he managed to lose control of his car and smash into the pristine Porsches on this occasion. One of the cars was a write-off while the other was badly damaged and will need extensive repairs. Both cars were privately owned and were in the garage for servicing. The cost of Mr Higgs's first accident in 76 years was put at £60,000 - which will be met by his insurance company.

His blue Fiesta, worth £600, was also a write-off but it will not matter because the pensioner has decided to quit the roads. Mr Higgs, who has driven more than half-a-million miles in his lifetime, said on Monday: "I can't understand it, nothing like this has happened to me before.

"I've been driving since I was 17, have a clean licence and have never even picked up so much as a parking ticket. I just don't know what happened except that I lost control as I was reversing and suddenly I had hit the cars. "The next thing I knew I was hanging upside down in my car thanking my lucky stars I was still alive." Mr Higgs was given the all-clear after being checked over by paramedics. He added: "It was a miracle I got out alive and I put it down to the power of prayer and God looking after me.

"But that's it - the end of my driving career, I'm never driving again. I'll have to get lifts or go on the bus in future."

The future stares me in the face: From life in fast lane to life in the bus lane. I wonder if people can get bus rage?

Still is Texas really a laggard in traffic laws. No, not according to an article on LeftLaneNews where if it does come to fruition, it would be something I applaud.

Texas is considering raising the speed limit on two major interstate highways to match how most motorists drive. The state's director of traffic operations, Carlos Lopez, said research found that 85th percentile speed of traffic was 79 mph. Thus, speed limits are likely to raise from 75 mph to 80 mph. The Texas Department of Public said raising the limit to conform to the speed the majority of drivers travel will make roads safer. "If people begin to think that the number on the sign is unreasonable, then they won't respect it," Lopez said. "Just putting up a lower number on the highway isn't going to slow down traffic."

Now there are two groups who will not like such a new law: 1st is the the Texas Cities that rely on speeding tickets as a revenue generator. They really really love bad drivers. The 2nd is the insurance companies.

Phileas Fogg,
Houston, Texas

Who's a pretty f***ing boy ?

78 Oaston Rd, Nuneaton, Warwickshire in England is home to a celebrity which with one phone call or letter, you can arrange a visit. The celebrity is known as Barney and very popular with the chicks.

Like Paris Hilton, Barney is famous for being famous.

Like Paris Hilton, Barney is guilty of bad behaviour: Paris is into home made blue movies; Barney is into home made blue language.

You see, Barney is a much publicised parrot with a colourful vocabulary, where the BBC, Telegraph, the Sun, Daily Mail and many other media ran stories about him and his extraordinary words use.

Let me enlighten you courtesy of Metro.co.uk

Meet Barney, the parrot with a mouth so foul he'd make pirate captain Jack Sparrow blush.

Bad boy Barney – who once told a vicar to f*** off – has taught a pair of impressionable pals at his animal sanctuary how to swear.

Staff had been careful to mind their p's and q's so parrots Sam and Charlie would not turn the air African blue.

But owner Geoff Grewcock said: 'It sounds like a builders' yard sometimes when we come in here, what with all the abuse flying about.

'They just sit there swearing at each other now, all kind of foul language – it's unbelievable. I am obviously going to have to be very careful about introducing other birds into the house now I know we have got a secret teacher.'

He said the terrible trio's favourite rude words were 'f*** off', 'b*****ks' and 't**s'.

'We also have to turn the television up a lot of the time because we can't hear it over all the swearing', he added.

Macaw Barney's most shocking outburst was when he told a mayoress, vicar and two police officers to 'f*** off' and called them 'w******' when they visited Warwickshire Wildlife Sanctuary in Nuneaton.

He was put in solitary confinement as punishment but the seven-year-old has refused to clean up his act – despite being taken to a language specialist.

Mr Grewcock added: 'These birds can live until they are 70 so there are potentially another 60 years of this to contend with.'

Parrot expert Rob Harvey said birds usually talk to get the attention of their owners. He added: 'This case is so unusual because parrots are copying another parrot.'

Next time I am in the UK, I'll look up Barney at his home at Nuneaton Wildlife sanctuary. You know, have a beer, share some peanuts, get his clawtograph.

From what I read on their website, there is a another celebrity in the making : Roxy the fox, who thinks she is a dog.

Now if only Roxy could learn to bark in profanities along the lines of "Bugger off. show me your T**ts." Afterall, we've heard of animals catching Bird flu. Perhaps Dogs, I mean Foxes who think they are dogs, can catch Bird Tourette's syndrome.

NOTE: For those who wish to help, The Nuneaton Warwickshire Wildlife Sanctuary is a charity. If you want to help, please make a donation.

Phileas Fogg
Houston, Texas,
April 12th, 2008

YOU ARE GROUNDED !!!

As a man who has been around the world in 80 days, How could I not comment about what happened this week?
Commenting on what, Mr. Fogg?

The exciting college basketball final? No, I didn't watch it.

The Democratic Pres beauty contest? No, there's enough column inches on that. Off topic but there's a skit waiting to happen with the swimsuit portion of this contest: Hillary in a postage stamp top and a thong, Barack in a spedo or Vice versa. URGHG. Don't go there. I need to wash my brain in bleach

The Fuel prices going up? No, but I intend to comment on it at a later time.

OK I give in. So, what's the story Morning Glory?

The American Airlines maintenance fiasco.

Ah that. I heard something about it. So what's up there? Well, to paraphrase Churchill, it is a puzzle wrapped in an enigma.

Huh? It relates to all the cancelled flights due to Federal mandated maintenance and identifying who is to blame.

OK, I'm with you so far. With 300,000 people stranded, the press has been laying into American Airlines. CNN Interviews with pissed off people, many vouching never to fly AA again. Blah, blah, blah. Yeh, I heard that.

According to TRAVEL WEEKLY 10th April, "Gerard Arpey, American Airlines' CEO, said he takes "full personal responsibility" for the cancellation of nearly 2,500 flights over the past three days." That is very magnanimous Mr CEO but I'm more sceptical of this being a one person leadership issue.

Dig deeper and it is about FAA changing the goalposts after criticism from Congress on being too buddy buddy with the airlines of safety inspections.

You'll also find out that the issue with the wheel wiring has been there since 18 months and suddenly, the FAA plays hardball. AA are unable to publicly fight back as it is a perception issue: Nobody can ever criticise "SAFETY" precautions as they'll be perceived as being lax on safety. Could the wheel inspections been speeded up, absolutely. Was it a show stopper ? Probably not but nobody will go on the record and say that. There is all pain but no gain in that. Feds come across as blameless but they not.

What is not being discussed is the vintage of aircraft that US carriers fly. I don't know if you noticed but these are MD80's. I am not saying that there is anything wrong with MD80's but they are well, pretty old. Come to think of it, you are right there.

Modern aircraft are Boeing or Airbus. Being familiar with Reliability, the older the machinery, the more it comes nearer it's wareout stage so maintenance is going to be more costly. Beside, modern aircraft should have better designs for safety.

Are the US carriers upgrading their fleet in the near future? I'd like to say yes but with fuel prices going north and credit crisis peeling away everyday, it is unlikely. They will be cash strapped.

At this moment, I don't seek out a particular aircraft to fly on. However, on board I do notice the quality and features of the aircraft. I recently flew Lufthansa on a new airbus which had the toilets downstairs from the main cabin. This avoided queues in the aisle after the post-meal rush. I also flew Virgin and enjoyed it's in flight entertainment system. My BA inflight system was also pretty good. However, I've flown Continental, their in flight systems suck (as well as their food).

I have had two recent experiences with Continental and maintenance problems. 1st was when my flight from Hawaii to Guam was delayed when electrical system had a fault just as were were taxi-ing away from our gate. So why was that a issue? The bummer was that we couldn't de-board and AC was out and Hawaii was a pretty hot place: Pretty sweaty, pretty quickly, not so pretty, if you know what I mean! My second experience, was last saturday when flight to Detroit was delayed by four hours due. The cause, the no show of the plane due to maintenance. It was frustrating at depart time changed from 10:20 to 11:00 to 11:30 to 12:30 to 1:15 to 1:30 to 2:45.
So, after probably 10's millions of dollars in lost revenue and 300,000 discontented passengers disrupted in their lives, tarnished reputations all around, is the Maintence policy of an aircraft a marketing thingy? You mean a competitive advantage? Uhm, I guess so.

No. I'd argue it is an enabler but a competitive disadavantage if you don't have it.

Could you expand on that? I am not going to select my flight based on a company that has a good maintenance record. However, it is going to influence my decision over a competitor that has a poor policy. Even though Houston is a hub for Continental, I do look at alternatives to not fly with them.

Bottom line : I am prepared to pay some premium to an airline that is more enjoyable to fly with, spacier seats, offers me a free beer, gets me there on time. Oh yeh. I just received a text from someone in Terminal 5 - see previous - it would be nice to have my luggage with me.

Thank you Mr. Fogg for the conversation, Sorry but I must dash. I have a flight to catch.

Not if you are flying AA you ain't....

Phileas Fogg,
Houston, Texas
April 12th, 2008

BTW: The Chicago Times has a great article on this which discuss the complex issues.

The TSA and it's Honey Pot Sting

The other week, the TSA was in the news about requiring a Lubbock passenger to remove her nipple rings before she could fly. Since one of the rings was 'stuck', she allegedly had to remove it with pliers. A demand for public apology emanated and a big hue and cry emanated. Oh, the humanity. If Mandi Hamlin was so publicly humiliated, why did she subsequently go on the news networks? Oh yes, the talk of a civil action lawsuit about 'rights being violated'.

Yes, yes, yes, security like safety, is necessary and important but I struggle to like the TSA or their international equivalents. My beef is that I rarely see them helping the traveler. I guess this is where the alternative name for TSA “Thousands Standing Around” comes from.

I was at the airport this Saturday morning - a quiet day - but all four lines were going painfully slow with queues backed up. The bottleneck was the stack of trays at the output of the Xray machines. There were plenty of TSA personnel but they weren't they helping clear the line. They could have moved some bins. At the same time, I overheard a few bitching about when they could take their break but were oblivious to the people they are supposedly serving.

Earlier, I watched a TSA checker give a family a hard time about the bottle contents that the baby was drinking from. Of course, the baby cried when the liquid was poured out in order to go proceed and boy what a howl he had.

It is not just the US but the UK and Germany have similar issues with queues and bizarre security rules.

In the UK, there is one particular recent stupid rule that you can only have 1 piece of hand luggage to enter into the security area. One time in Gatwick, I had a laptop bag and a camera case around my neck. I was told that camera had to go inside my already full laptop back or into my check in. I know people who had stuff stolen from check in luggage so that wasn't an option. Anyhow, I managed to stuff it into one and after security it went into 2 seperate carry on items again. Absolutely stupid.

Another stupid idea the UK is playing around is Fastlane for security at Liverpool airport. Essentially you pay $4 to go through another lane that has no lines in it. Great idea except that you've already paid security fees in your airport taxes. Another thing is this arrangement has diverted capacity out of the existing facilities, so the non-fast lane are even more backed up resulting in people missing flights even if they arrived 2 hours earlier. Heck of a job Brownie.

The US also has fastlane at airports but these are associated with frequent flier programs. If an airline ticket includes same air taxes why is that a marketing program by the airlines translates to favoured treatment by Public servants? If Airline picks up the tab so be it but if the tax payer is, then I am against it. I say the let frequent fliers or business class have the same misery as the rest of us.

As for Germany. Wow, try catching a US bound flight from Frankfurt. The screeners here are particularly skilled in anti-customer service. I have watched Xray lines not moving because of no plastic bins at input, the screeners are standing around talking and their sister lines getting their plastic bins. Here I heared important security conversations similar to our TSA: “Ach scheiss. Ich bin so gelangweilt. Wann ist meine Pause?”

Rewind a week or so, and I was the subject of a liquid violation in my hand luggage. It was busted carrying a jar of honey that I'd bought from a farmhouse. The farmer assured me that plenty of travelers had bought honey from him so it wouldn't be a problem. Au contraire Mr. Farmer. I was given a strict telling off by the TSA : “Sir, honey is a liquid and NOT allowed”. I would have to check it in. 6$ to miss my flight, no thanks. As they walk away I watched them show my illicit counterband to their colleagues and by the raised eyebrows and smiles, I could see that my farmhouse honey would be enjoyed during their hallowed break.

Bah, foiled again by the TSA.

Being the scheming rebel that I am, I've wondering how I could get around the honey ban on my carry on. I read the TSA website and solids are not part of the ban.

AHA, I have an idea: Refrigerate my honey to make it solid. Of course there practicalities to iron out such as rushing to the airport before the honey melts but I'll work out that at a later date.

However, that idea falls down on the technicality that I am sure they'd get me with the gel category. I can see it now being pulled up again with words of “Sir. Frozen Honey is a gel and NOT allowed”.

Not wanting to make TSA's break any more pleasurable, it's back to the drawing board.

EUREKA. I have it. The answer lies in Ms Hamlin's humiliation.

I will refrigerate my honey then sculpt them into body jewelry. Not only that I'll fly business class ticket to fast track the lines before it returns to room temperature. My supercooled jewelry will pass XRAY and I'll get to take my honey on board.

Better still, if it is confiscated again, I will cry “Civil Rights” violation and my lawsuit would make me rich. The payoff would buy me honey for life.

HAHA I say and I assume a Doctor Evil pose with my evil pinky finger in my mouth.

There's only one minor flaw in this plan: Persuading people to eat my honey that have been next to my body parts.

I give in. I will have to check it in after all. You've beaten me down TSA:Phileas Fogg loves Big Brother.

Phileas Fogg
Houston, Texas
April 06 2008

Zip Codes

I was recently on standby for my flight back to Houston. Despite repeated calls on the intercom, the last remaining passanger did not turn up at the gate. Tough luck for him, horray for me.

Instructions were given to remove the luggage and I was given ok to proceed to board.

As I walk down the ramp, I brace myself for the cold stares from other passengers as I would be blamed for the delay in getting off.

I see the Stewardess near the plane door - a pretty hispanic late 20 something - and she stops me before I walk up the aisle. She leans over and quietly whispers something where I caught only the first word "Sir." whisper whisper whisper whisper was the rest.

I pause and puzzle over what she just said to me.

- Thought 1: It must be my debanoir business suit and she is flirting with me, naturally mistaking me for a captain of industry instead of the corporal which I am. No, don't think so.

- Thought 2: Surely, she hasn't the gall to rebuke me for holding everyone up. It didn't sound like 'wtf are you doing dumbass?'. Nah, this is Continental not Ryan Air.

Hmm. What could Whisper whisper whisper whisper be?

Oh. The penny drops and in a flash I understand what she'd said: "Sir. Your flies are undone."

ARGHHH. Crash and burn time as I turn around, take care of the situation and sheepishly go to my seat.

:)

Phileas Fogg,
Houston, Texas
3rd April 2008