Lincoln woz here

"I've been everywhere, man. I've been everywhere, man. Crossed the deserts bare, man. I've breathed the mountain air, man. Of travel I've had my share, man. I've been everywhere". Johnny Cash.

Last week, I paid a visit to Marshall, Illinois. As I crossed the state line from Indiana, I saw a “Welcome to Illinois, the Land of Lincoln” sign.

Later in the day, I drove to Jasper, Indiana. As I changed state back into Indiana, I spied a sign “Welcome to Indiana, Boyhood place of Lincoln".

A day later, I went into Louisville, Kentucky and at the Ohio river lo behold, I saw “Welcome to Kentucky, birthplace of Lincoln”.

Hmm, Bit of a Lincoln love fest going on in this part of the world, thinks I and man did he get around. When looking for trends "Once is unlucky, twice is careless and three times is a pattern". I counted three already.

The obvious next place that could link him the a 'welcome sign' would be DC (yeh, yeh, I know it is not a state), “Welcome to DC, death place of Lincoln”. Though come to think of it, it wasn't very welcoming night in the Ford Theater was it but it would be very apt, with the shootings of modern day Washington DC.

Out of curiousity, I looked up history on Honest Abe's life and read that he had some connection to Lousianna. So, The Pelican state can also add Lincoln to their sign. That now makes five.

Also with Mount Rushmore being in South Dakota, so that is six, it can have "Welcome....getting ahead of Lincoln".


But what about the newer states who cannot complete with the tenuous Lincoln connection? How will they attract tourist who look for a Linc's link in their requirements?

I guess not unless they get creative. Some suggestions:

- Welcome to Hawaii, Lincoln's Pacific dream.

- Welcome to Alaska: Lincoln simply would have loved our crabs.

On the otherhand, I don't think I will see: “Welcome to South Carolina, Lincoln whopped our ass”. So this pattern of linking all states to Lincoln just ain't gonna hunt.

However, It would have been the ultimate irony if Washington DC's tourist board slogan for the year 1865 was: "Welcome to Washington DC. What happens in DC, stays in DC".

Phileas Fogg,
Houston, Texas
30 March 2008

Terminal illness

The Schadenfreud side of me came out when I heard BBC world service news hour talking about the launch of Heathrow's Terminal 5 opening and how it has been a right old British cock up.
T5 has been 20 years in planning and cost around $9B. It was to be used exclusively by British Airways and it would lead to a renaissance of Heathrow Airport.

After the big fanfare came the reality: Cancelled flights; long delays; lost luggage and confusion.

BA is blaming BAA. BAA is blaming BA. BA,BAA black sheep have you lost my bags, yes sir, yes sir, three flights full....

Passengers were confused with people swearing never to fly British airways again. British press and their headline writers are having a field day and this is ideal rant about the demise of British reputation. I am frankly appaled - UK reputation was already in the doldrums.

I'm LMAO as I type this, not at misery of the travelers but at the hubris of the cheifs who predicted a bright new future but are instead eating ample amounts of humble pie.

British Management, planning and big events do not go together. Britain is the land of the Professional Amateurs and proud of it. Instead, UK needs professional professionals and embarrased by the stupid sh1t which gets accepted. Project manager (outside software) needs to be a certified job itself and companies should not be run by the accountants.

My'laud, I present the case for the prosecution.

Exhibit A: I present The Millineum Dome 'regarded by press as a flop. badly thought out, badly executed, and leaving the government with the embarrasing question of what to do with afterwards'. Famous words by Tony Blair "In the Dome we have a creation that, I believe, will truly be a beacon to the world". Take a look at her Maj's face at the Y2K party. Classic. Bhwahh ! Btw: I particularly enjoyed reading about the Dome fiasco in Alistair Cambell's diary. This is an excellent book and highly recommended.

Exhibit B: The London Eye (aka Millenium Wheel). "It was opened by the Prime Minister, Tony Blair, at 20:00 GMT on December 31, 1999, although it was not opened to the public until March 2000 because of technical problems. Since its opening, the Eye, operated by Merlin Entertainments but sponsored by British Airways, has become a major landmark and tourist attraction".

Your worship and members of the jury, this is a pattern with BA.

Exhibit C: The Zero worshiping. I would like to enter into the court records one character, Eddie "the Eagle" Edwards. Although holding the lofty title of British National Ski-jumping Record holder, and the sole British applicant, for the 1988 Winter Olympics ski-jumping competition. His achievement was finishing last in 70m and 90m. Mr Edwards was 20 pounds heavier than nearest contestant and extremly short sighted that his glasses would steam up. "In response to the Edwards phenomenon, in 1990, the International Olympic Committee (IOC) instituted what became known as the Eddie the Eagle Rule, which requires Olympic hopefuls to compete in international events and place in the top 30 percent or the top 50 competitors, whichever is the lesser". In British slang, Your honour, Mr Edwards, is widely known in the vernicular as a prize plonker.

Exhibit D: The Dunkirk Spirit. This often tounted event as a proud moment was actually part of a huge military defeat. Here is a great article on this. "The reality, of course, was that Dunkirk was a monumental defeat. Historians have called the image of the evacuation which grew up in Britain ‘the necessary myth’ – necessary to maintain morale, but not true. When the navy tried to take the troops from the beaches, the boats became stuck on the mud, so the idea was abandoned – most soldiers were evacuated, not from the beaches, but by ferry from Dunkirk. Small craft only became involved after 31 May, and only evacuated 25,000 men (a tiny proportion)."

Exhibit E: Northern Rock. This was UK's 5th largest mortgage company but had to be nationalized recently. The idjiots had overlent to anybody with a pulse and taxpayers are on the hok. So much for the Ex-chancellor's solid performance of the Economy.

My laud. In summary, I have presented the case that UK is guilty of the heinous crime of 1st degree hubris.

Being the of merciful nature, I and my fellow accusers request that Britain be judged lightly in terms of illness. It has assumed multiple false characters, one of which is competence.

An institutionalised sentence for treatment is requested based on previous good behaviour.
I rest my case.

Phileas Fogg,
Contintal CO 5571
28th March 2008

5 Star mirth at the 3 star Hotel

Normally trip memories are about the destination. It is not often one leaves with a favorable impression of a 3 star rated hotel.

My expectations for such a hotel are somewhere to dump my stuff, good WiFi connections, a comfy bed and hopefully, somewhere to get a beer. Every hotel claims it's staff are friendly but many just go through the motions.

It was therefore, a pleasant surprize to stay in "Fire and Ice" Hotel in Cape Town in early february.

I selected the hotel from guidebooks and it was plus to see it as one of the of the cheaper and available hotels on expedia (btw it was cheaper to book through the UK site rather than US - topic of a future discussion I am sure). If I remember right, Time Out guide to Cape Town had a good review with a picture on the climbing wall on the outside.

When I checked in I gave my last name, the receptionist without looking, gave me back my full name. Perhaps they'd had a good memory or my driver had secretely phoned ahead. Either way it was a slight "Wow" as I wasn't expecting it.

My room was on 1st floor and had a very comfortable double bed. Since it was just myself staying in the room, it was great for me. Some couples with a lot of luggage may find it a bit cramped but I was cool with it. It comes with a safe and electrical socket at the desk takes UK plugs. (I'd didn't see this until a day later and after I'd bought a SA electicity adaptor. Duh!!)

On the map, the hotel appears to be a distance from Waterfront which is the main tourist trap of Capetown. However it is only a few minutes taxi drive and cost ~30 Rand to get there from the hotel and 50 rand back from VA taxi rank.

I thoroughly enjoyed my stay here. It is very 'young' in it's attitude, design and clientel.

The staff are friendly, attentive but also fun. Having checked in on saturday morning, I was stepping out to go exploring and there leaving the lobby, was the saturday group about to go climbing the wall. The staff accompanying the group were trying very hard to get me to join in. I watched for a while - it is bigger in real life - and went about my way. (36C was too hot for me.) The same friendly staff would later regularly 'shoot the breeze' over the week.

The design of the hotel was very 'modern'. It is almost an attraction in itself. The bar is a popular scene for the younger crowd and the restuarant has a very good calibre of food. I ate dinner there twice : The gourmet burgers - I had the Cogniac burger - are a delicious.

The pool area is small but memorable in that the pool side is part of the restuarant window. You can see into the swimming pool ! There is also a good view of Table mountain from the pool.

The elevators are worthy of a mention where one has been designed to appear as if you are in a shark cage.

Finally, I have to mention the toilets and the smoking room near the bar area. WTF you may say? Yep, check out the toilets and the smoking room.

The smoking room is called "the Coughing room" and seats are white coffins. Look up at the ceiling and you'll see a picture of a funeral where you are now down in the grave. The best incentive I've ever seen on giving up.

The toilets...There a 6, each with it's own design. "TO LET" was 1st and Covered in signs of TO LET. A very punny joke. The other 5 were had frosted glass on doors named:-

- Long Drop
- Stage Fright
- Out House
- Lou Rawls
- Temptation

I uploaded to google a short video of this hotel which shows these.

Maybe it is my sense humour but I really got a kick from this hotel and especially, it's "designer" toilets.

Good job F&I. I'd recommend ya as a stay.

Phileas Fogg,
March 29 2008
Houston, Texas

This is a rather belated blog but I've been monkeying with some video software to accompany the article.

When a Picture paints a 1000 (cuss) words

The advantage of digital photography is that you can see your pictures without having to wait for prints and then to find that

a) people were blinking
b)you'd cut off their heads c) the dog behind was taking a whiz so spoiling your shot, or in my case
d) you'd taken many days of photo's only to find the SLR camera didn't have any film in it.

The disadvantage with digital is that they are easy to loose, especially for such a scatterbrain as I. Since coming into the digital camera age, I've lost some good photo memories of Central Europe vacation, family holiday in North Florida and recently, a New York trip. I've also lost a flash card with days of good pictures on a train to Munich from alps which had fallen out of my bag.

The former two were on a desktop that I gave to my step daughter but as it turned out, I hadn't transfered those pictures to my external hard drive before I gave it to her. (I could swear I had but they are not there). When I recently asked if she still had files, turned out she had reformated the disk taking my pictures with them.

The NY trip was my own fault. I cleared the flash in my camera where I'd assumed I'd transfered. I hadn't so was no sure what I was thinking. I was lucky in that Mary had her own camera and I had transfered a few, so we hadn't lost everything.

I'm not the only one. A friend of mine lost all his photo's including a Peru adventure after a PC crash.

Since them, I've been religously transfering my photo's to Google via Picassa account. It is a good deal - 1Gb is free - assuming Google keep it like that. Who knows, Google may actually look at where they are spending money with no return

However, there is one problem that film or digital will not help out on : I am not particularly photogenic unlike Mary whose is shown in one of the few NY pictures that I took and still have.

Phileas Fogg,
Houston, Texas
22nd March 2008

It's a small world afterall

it's a world of laughter, a world of tears
its a world of hopes, its a world of fear
there's so much that we share
that its time we're aware
its a small world after all.

Profound words by "Richard M. and Robert B. Sherman" and according to Wikipeadia, apparently it is has become the most translated and performed song on earth. I'd also add the most f'ing annoying.

I bring this up as it occuring to me that as Patrick (now 2) grows up, we will be doing more and more of the kids stuff with respect to vacations. Camping, fishing and bike riding sound great.

Disneyland or Disneyworld is probably going to on that list somewhere. I've been to the one in California (I can't be bothered to remember if is 'land' or 'world' and I've been told many times) with Mary and her eldest daughter, Alexis (then 14) and can't say it was my cup of tea. No indeedee. It was my nightmare trip.

One thing I remember was the 'small world' ride. ARGHH. The thought of having to repeat it brings me out in a hot sweat. Instead of sending the terr'ists to Gitmo and waterboarding them, they should send them to Disney, tie them up and loop them around on that 'ride'. Huh, I recon they'd be confessing to everthing. Being the caring sharing PC guy I am, I updated the picture with a Saudi doll. The shameless hussies were showing too much flesh.

Thus, I am looking at alternatives to Californa or Orlando. If I MUST do Disney, then maybe we can combine it with Europe trip. At least in Paris, we can do other things in vicinity and Disney Europe caved to local sensitivities by allowing wine to be sold onsite. Horrors of horrors ! That means I can get some wine to fortefy me before hand. Plan B if I drink enough, I'll may join in the lyrics in traditional British style : The more razzed up you are, the better the singer you think you are.

The other alternative is Disneyland HongKong (Annoying music alert. Click on link with care or mute) . Along the same lines, I must visit an area then an entire trip is not ruined. But HK is a long time to spend on an airplane with children so maybe not. Europe is not as I can merge it with otherthings. Such as wine..

Decisions, decisions but it's a small world afterall.

Phileas Fogg,
Houston, Texas
22nd March 2008

Absence makes the heart grow stronger

Last night I was looking at pictures I took during my February visit to my family in South Wales.

Even though they had not seen me for a year, my parents didn't want to do anything or visit anywhere. So I went out for day trips on my own. For those who know my parents, that it not unusual. They are stuck in their routine and becoming more elderly, makes them even more stuck in that routine. In their eyes, why go to the Gower as it is windy down there !

On one day, I took a trip to Neath Abbey -see picture- which is about 1 mile from my parents house. Here was something that I would pass everyday on my way to school and a key part of local history. As boys, we would also go finishing in the Neath canal adjacent to it. We'd get creeped out as darkness approached as we'd wanted to be anyway from. Afterall, we'd all 'heard' about it was haunted by 'the mad monk'.

However, I had not actually visited the Abbey ruin itself until well into my late 20's and when I was living in Germany. It if funny how you can have these tourist attractions in your area where you grow up but not visit them. The saying that they way to appreciate places is to leave them. I guess that has some truth to it.

Weeks later I was in London and driving past one of the museums that had a line of tourists outside. I asked the taxi driver if he had even been there and the answer 'No, I have lived here 45 years and never been. Neither have my kids. I've never thought about it. I should go someday'.

I guess it takes effort to break your routine to do these things. You say to yourself that they'll always be there but that isn't always the case.

In february 2008, a fire destroyed the 600-year-old southern gate to what was once the walled city of Seoul. This was a landmark that survived foreign invasions and wars to be designated South Korea’s top national treasure and shocked the nation. A 69-year-old man suspected of setting the fire was arrested.

Back in Houston, I think of all the places I've wanted to but not actually taken the effort to. I've never been the Fine arts Museum or Contemporary Arts Museum even though I've lived literally around the block. It was always someday.

So I plan to go to Fine arts to see the Pompeii exhibition, Contemporary arts which has a strange floral mural outside and the Natural history museum to see "Lucy". But when ? Next week...perhaps.

Phileas Fogg.
Houston, Texas
22nd March 2008

Government Warning : Crucification is bad for you...

Today is Good Friday and in follow up to my previous post on crucifixion to attract the tourists, the Philippines government has issued an health warning on the event. - See Daily Telegraph article to confirm I am not making this up.

"We are not trying to go against the Lenten tradition here because whipping has somewhat already become some form of ’atonement for sins’ for some of us,” Health Secretary Francisco Duque the 3rd said.

"Getting deep cut wounds during whippings or lashings is inevitable and being so exposed during the course of the penitence, with all the heat and dust blowing in the wind, welcomes all sorts of infections and bacteria like tetanus,” he explained.

In San Fernando City 23 people, including two women, have signed up to re-enact the crucifixion at three “improvised Golgothas” around town. Four of them will use real nails.

The city government’s website trumpets the preparations.

“The City Health Office (CHO) autoclaved all the nails to be used and will administer anti-tetanus vaccine to all the “Cristos” to ensure their protection from possible infection,” it points out. City officials will conduct an inspection of the Golgothas on Thursday. Some 23 people, including two women, plan to reenact the crucifixion

The festival is sponsored by Coca-cola and a company called Smart Telecommunications.

Why o Why does the Government have to meddling with everything? Next, they'll be soon saying the smoking is bad for you ! :)

By the way, click on the the picture to see more details as the tourists in the foreground. I can just see it now, "Hey you up there, smile for the camera".

Phileas Fogg,
Houston, Texas
21st March 2008

The Politics of Envy

Cattle class with Continental Airlines again, going back to Houston from Honolulu. On the ground, I briefly chat to my seat mate who is a Sophomore student from Baylor University Waco, returning from Spring Break. As the conversation comes to it's natural cordial end, she informs me that her friends are up front in business class. Her parent are not 'rich enough to afford that' she says.

Wow. College is expensive enough as it is but include a spring break in Hawaii. Not only that but First Class.

On take off, I attempt some sleep. I dream of my travel during my college days.

First memory that come into my mind is the trip to Wales from North of London on my motorbike. Imagine countryside, fields of wheat, hedgerows, trees and sunny, blue sky warm weather. When you've stopped imaging that, fast forward a few months and the same fields are stubble, hedgerows and trees have no leaves. The weather is near, at or below freezing and it is windy with dark Grey skies. A near 200 mile trip now needs additional 1 hour 30 minutes because of the thaw outs every 60 mile at the service stations. I had to wear multiple pullovers and coats but it still chilled my bones. Brr. I pull my blanket over me.

I continue my dreams which drift to the trips to Paris and Amsterdam care of the 'Arts Society'. These 'Arts Society' trips were weekend bus trips subsidized by our Student Union. After these 2 trips, we had exhausted our funding and the society folded. Fun in Amsterdam when we discovered the coffee shops didn't really sell coffee.

Third dream was of the two week travel driving around Europe after graduation but before work. 3 of us driving around with no particular plan. Terry M. got the car. John C. had responsibility for getting the road maps. My job was the idea and the ferry tickets. Journey started off well with Terry and I leaving ~3:30 am when we get to John's house, we had to bang door down. John and house mates had just completed a house party. John wakes up sh'tfaced, grabs some stuff we drive to Dover and get on Ferry. We drive into Calais and at first major motorway junction I ask John for map. “Uhm, I've left it in London...”. We pretty much winged it from there based on memory map of Europe.

By now, I am fast asleep. I wake up not too much before the plane lands and as we get off, the 'orphan Annie' student who had to slum it in coach meets up her First class buddies. I was taken amazed by their “ordinary-ness”. I was expecting Paris Hilton's but instead, I was seeing Allentown Hotel 6 and Detroit Travel Lodge. They looked so cheap ! Wearing the same old branded stuff as every other teenager. I guess if they were that rich, they'd be in an Ivy League school instead of Baylor. Maybe they were flying on airmiles.

As I drive home from airport, I ask myself what is bugging me about students flying first class?

- Is it the fact that rich parents pamper their offspring by buying them this lifestyle?

- Is it that students should travel by their coach to accelerate their fiscal independence?

- Is it that students should be backpacking instead of going to Hawaii?

- Should all students travel coach to stop driving up price for business travelers?

Nope, it is not that.

- Is it even about the socioeconomic unfareness of living standards of US society compared with what I had seen in Manila and around the Philippines?

No, It is more basic than that.

I am jealous. They got to fly 1st and I didn't.

Lucky Bastards.

Phileas Fogg,
Houston, Texas
21st March 2008

Talking 'bout my generation

"People try to put us down. Just because we get around". Roger Daltrey.

Today, I read an article in UK's Daily Telegraph "Drunken 'Saga louts' causing trouble abroad'".

A new breed of older Britons is drinking too much on holiday and causing the sort of trouble normally associated with the younger generation, the Foreign Office warns today.

More than one in 10 older travellers do not follow the same safety advice they would give to their children An increasing number of 50-somethings - known as "Saga louts" - are over-indulging in alcohol and food and becoming abusive to locals, an analysis of surveys shows.

For those who don't get the joke, 'saga lout' is a play on Lager louts, a term for youths drunk on lager beer and "Saga" is an UK travel firm for the over 50's.

Rania Kossiori, the British vice-consul on the Greek island of Rhodes, said: "Most problems that we see with the older generation of Brits arise from over-consumption of alcohol and food. Drinking and staying too long in the sun can make you ill and undertaking strenuous activity like going swimming or snorkelling after a large meal can put you in unnecessary danger - people have drowned this way.

I am shocked I tell ya. Brits misbehaving abroad ! Afterall, this will be the generation of the mods and rockets and later, the ORIGINAL soccer hooligans from 1970's. The music of 'Slade', and 'Ziggy Stardust'. The Times of skinheads, Lambchop sideburns and Doc Martins.

Before the US laugh too hard at theLimeys, let's take a look at our aging population. All the financial advisor commercials about Baby Boomers jumping out of airplanes in their retirement. Forgetaboutit. Too fat, Too poor, Too lazy.

The reality is all the Seniors who 'rebelled' will carry their rebillion to their retirement home. The future is of tatooed grannies trading their Hogs for powered scooters. The logo on their jacket will be modified to "Live to ride, ride to uhm, sorry my memory isn't too good these days".

The 'Tramp stamps' become 'Gramps stamps'

Perhaps we should all just f-fade away.

Phileas Fogg.
Houston, Texas.
20th March 2008

PS: and don't try dig what we all say...

The Phantom of the Operator: A Ghost call at premium rates.

It is lunchtime in Baguio City, Philippines and I happen to look at my cellphone. I realize with horror that it was connected to a call. I am making a phantom call by accidentally pressing a button whilst in my pocket.

I quickly end the call and looked at call history to find out where and for how long.

Ruh Ruh as Scobby Doo would say: I had made a 90 minutes international call to my voicemail back in the US.

ARGHHH! This is going to cost me a pretty penny as it is roaming rates. Not only that but I have nobody to blame but myself.

Still luckily I see the funny side… Not.

I will tomorrow though as I add it to my alternative resume of anti-accomplishments.

Yours, kicking himself.

Phileas Fogg.
9th March 2008: Baguio City

Can you put me up for the night?

When traveling I like to read local papers so it was with a raised eyebrow that I read a front page article in “The Philippine star”, Saturday March 8 edition. “19 Crucifixions set in Pampanga”

SAN FERNANDO, Pampanga – There were only three cross on Golgotha when Jesus was crucified over 2,000 years ago, but there will be a least 19 crucifixions that will take place in this town to promote the observance of Good Friday and to
attract tourists to attend the town’s “cultural heritage”.

WHAT THE…..

In a Monty Python moment, I cannot believe what I am reading.

People are going to actually crucify themselves to attract tourists. I read on. The article rapidly get’s more surreal:-

“Apart from the San Pedro Cutud crucifixions, which have been a favorite of tourists and international media on Good Fridays, the city government is asking tourists to also witness crucifixions in Barangays Sta. Lucia and San Juan.

These crucifixions have been scheduled so that tourists can witness all of them one after the other on Good Friday,” said Cing Pangilinan, public relations officer of the city governments.

With my Mouth agog by now:-

“Chairman Rene Roldan of Sta. Lucia said the rites of his area will be reenactment of the Stations of the Cross with costumed characters portraying Jesus, Mary and the apostles, Pontius Pilate, and Judas.

“The peculiar thing with our events is that Judas will be hanged while riding on a
chariot,” Roldan said.

In Barangay Cutud – where rituals will be longer with the portrayal of the entire Via Crucis or the Way of the Cross – two residents have agreed to take on the role of Dimas and Hestas, the two thieves who were crucified with Jesus on Calvary.

“No one in the past ever took these roles because local folk did not relish the idea of being thieves. Although we always had a Judas. Now we have Dimas and Hestas,” said Remigio de la Cruz, director of the Sta. Lucia activity.

While the list of volunteers for crucifixion remains open, at least 19 actual crucifixions are already expected in the three barangays.

David said he expects six in San Juan, while Roldan said he expects at least seven in Sta. Lucia, including a few women.

Hmm, equal Crucifixion rights. You don’t hear about that too often. To think Women burned their bras to end up with the right to be legally crucified.

I ask myself “Is this a trend in extreme Christian tourism?”

Perhaps the Rome tourist board will read this and follow. Just imagine the tourist mullah it would bring in: feeding Christians to the lions in the coliseum. They could even televise it.

Thinking about it, you could say that the feeding of a Pat Robertson or others in the Religious Right to poor cuddly Simba is a cruel sport. I don’t think SPCA would go with along with it.

Phileas Fogg.
Manila, Philippines
March 8, 2008

Reasons for be TEARFULL, part 3.*

7th March 08: Destination Manila from Houston via Guam, via Honolulu, on the way to visit Baguio City. I am a captive of Continental airlines and the experience reminds me of the reasons why I dislike flying cattle class with any of the old school of US carriers.

Reason #1: Communication: My itinerary tells me to check in is at terminal C but when I get my boarding card, it in fact leaves from terminal E. No big deal but I get to my flight just as it is boarding. I would have liked the time to have checked my emails.

I board and 15 minutes later, a fellow passenger arrives in my middle row seat but he is sweating, out of breath and looking unhappy. It turns out he had also checked in at C but had to run to far end of E to catch the flight. Not good for a man of his overweight stature.

Reason #2: Attention to detail. The flight was late departing and an attendant came up and asked Mr. sweaty if he had purchased both seats. “No”. A few minutes late, another overweight passenger, this time an older women who was looking very flustered came up looking for our row. I helped her get her bag in the overhead; she steps on my foot and sits down.

To break the ice, I ask if she is going to Hawaii. “No Guam” and I then hear her story. She is traveling from Pittsburg to Guam to visit her Marine son. Son bought the ticket and requested a wheelchair in IAH on the booking. Wheelchair never turns up. Continental rep eventually gets a cart who look at ticket at take her to C14 instead of E14. (What is it about Terminal C vs. E on our seating row?) Nobody at gate and the lady eventually notices, walks up to a Continental rep who sort of organizes it by tearing a strip off an airport guy who radio’s up for help. The same cart guy, who had dropped her off, comes by to pick up old lady who previously tipped him $5. Old lady gets to gate to find it boarded already but luckily gate not closed. (I believe they would have been looking at luggage vs. people on board to pull her stuff off.). Not only that that but she had lost her aisle seat that she wanted due to her ‘Circulation problems’.

Reason #3: Drinks. I paid a few $Ks for this international flight so why do you want to charge me $5 for a crappy beer when your foreign competitors give it free. Some of the European ones even have an open bar. I decide not to give them any more money so select soft drinks only.

Reason #4: See #2. Lady neighbor falls asleep after take off and starts snoring loudly. Great.

Reason #5: Flight Entertainment selection is old or just rubbish. By the Way Continental, “Starsky and Hutch” is not current release you cheap skate bunch of penny pinching bastards. Not only that but you have to pay $1 for the headphones. Stick it.

Reason #6: See #4: The Overweight and now asleep, lady spills the cup of water that was resting on her lap. I go and get some towels for her and lie that it didn’t spill over me.

Reason #7: Food. Despite the flowery article in the in-flight magazine, the food handed out was not proudly selected or designed by a ‘top’ chef.

Lunch plate consisted of cheese pizza (heated as still in its plastic wrapper); limp lettuce (whatever happened to the ½ cherry tomato that used to be in there?), some dressing which probably would have taken away the taste of the limp lettuce, dessert of sorts (sponge topped with sugary goo) and bag of chips (aka crisps). The crisps were pretty good, the rest untouched. Even overweight lady didn’t want my leftovers.

The afternoon snack was ½ turkey sandwich, bag of carrots and bag of M&Ms. The latter two were as expected. After looking at others eating theirs, I gave a miss to the sandwich.

Some hours later and now feeling pretty hungry, ‘dinner’ has a promising ring to it. “Steak or Chicken” asked the attendant. “Steak please” only to find out from the top label it was really “Beef with Japanese Curry sauce”. (No fillet Mignon from Mr. top chef?). It gets worse in that the veg has celery in it. I can’t stand Celery. The beef was overcooked and tasteless so I ate the rice and curry sauce only. This meal also came with the same old limp lettuce with limp dressing. I guess it is a trend: a lettuce only salad.

Reason #8: See #3. I really need a beer as I am pissed off with my shitty food selection so I have to fork out $5.

Reason #9: Maintenance. Taking off from Honolulu initially didn’t happen. After firing everything up, all electrics die on us. It is hot and there is no air conditioning. One hour 30 minutes delay whilst they replace a component. Water brought around after about 30 minutes. (I am not sure if this was just unlucky of if Continental are penny pinching on their preventive maintenance schedule. The mood I am in votes penny pinching !)

Reason #10: Overbooking. All flight legs were full. When I booked in, I selected my seats to get empty ones around me. Check in also confirmed they were empty. On the Guam to Honolulu, I find another overweight lady (see #2) come last minute to fill the middle seat. Closer look showed she only had one functioning eye !

The uni-visioned one asked me to help with her luggage and sat down, asked me some questions that I asked her to repeat and when I responded, looked at me like she didn’t understand. I just thought she was slightly deaf or something. When #9 happened, she mildly freaked out and I explained things to calm her down. She nodded appropriately.

Reason #11: Linked to above, I fall asleep and have no idea if I am snoring loudly. I am shaken awake to find out it is my neighbor wanting to go to the restroom. I see that the passenger the other side is widely awake so I am pissed off that she didn’t simply ask him. I guess it was my fault by being friendly.

Reason #12: We are nearing Guam and the strange lady says something about the landing card for Guam. “No, No, thanks but I do not need one. I am not staying”. Eventually I understand that she does not have her glasses so she is unable to complete it. She wants me to do it for her. I reluctantly agree knowing deep down this is not going to be a straight forward as you’d think.

It starts off with first box, last name. The last name on boarding card does not match name on passport. “Which name do you want to use?” Blank look.

“Should I use xxxxxx or yyyyy?”. Blank look. “I suggest we use xxxxxx., the name on your passport”. “Yes, xxxxxx” she says.

First name, DOB, place of birth, everything I get from the passport until we get to “Address in Guam” so I ask her where she is staying. Blank look. “I need the hotel or address where you are staying in Guam to complete this”. Pause. “3 days” she says.

“Sorry, I don’t need how long but WHERE”. Bigger pause, “3 days”. Lordy.

I ask guy at far end of our row (He’d a fed agent as I could see his ID in top pocket) for help in case it was a dialect issue. Nope. Same non-understanding.

After discussing with the Fed., I left address blank for lady #2 to explain at immigration. For rest of questions on what she was brining with her, the devil inside me was telling me “tick yes” to smuggling of plants, stays at farms , money laundering. Although I chuckled to myself as I imagined the consequences, the angel inside me ticked “no” to such scenarios. After completion, she signed but I had to point her where.

Reason #13: Attitudes. I am guessing that it may be related to the way older staff have been messed around with pensions etc but quite a few of the stewardess no longer seem to be into their job. One over tanned and past her prime bottled blond (think “Something about Mary”) came across as particularly grumpy. I see this often when I fly with the old school. Burn out / passenger fatigue.

So was there anything positive about the flight you may ask? Yes, I got there safely (albeit 2 hours late) and I got some reward miles out of it and probably closer to next grade of premium status. The latter two are minor points as redeeming milage for a journey with this airline is not exactly inspiring me.

Ah, the romance of travel.

Phileas Fogg,
Manila, Philippines

* Adopted from “Reasons to be Cheerful, part 3” by Ian Dury and the Blockheads.