The TSA and it's Honey Pot Sting

The other week, the TSA was in the news about requiring a Lubbock passenger to remove her nipple rings before she could fly. Since one of the rings was 'stuck', she allegedly had to remove it with pliers. A demand for public apology emanated and a big hue and cry emanated. Oh, the humanity. If Mandi Hamlin was so publicly humiliated, why did she subsequently go on the news networks? Oh yes, the talk of a civil action lawsuit about 'rights being violated'.

Yes, yes, yes, security like safety, is necessary and important but I struggle to like the TSA or their international equivalents. My beef is that I rarely see them helping the traveler. I guess this is where the alternative name for TSA “Thousands Standing Around” comes from.

I was at the airport this Saturday morning - a quiet day - but all four lines were going painfully slow with queues backed up. The bottleneck was the stack of trays at the output of the Xray machines. There were plenty of TSA personnel but they weren't they helping clear the line. They could have moved some bins. At the same time, I overheard a few bitching about when they could take their break but were oblivious to the people they are supposedly serving.

Earlier, I watched a TSA checker give a family a hard time about the bottle contents that the baby was drinking from. Of course, the baby cried when the liquid was poured out in order to go proceed and boy what a howl he had.

It is not just the US but the UK and Germany have similar issues with queues and bizarre security rules.

In the UK, there is one particular recent stupid rule that you can only have 1 piece of hand luggage to enter into the security area. One time in Gatwick, I had a laptop bag and a camera case around my neck. I was told that camera had to go inside my already full laptop back or into my check in. I know people who had stuff stolen from check in luggage so that wasn't an option. Anyhow, I managed to stuff it into one and after security it went into 2 seperate carry on items again. Absolutely stupid.

Another stupid idea the UK is playing around is Fastlane for security at Liverpool airport. Essentially you pay $4 to go through another lane that has no lines in it. Great idea except that you've already paid security fees in your airport taxes. Another thing is this arrangement has diverted capacity out of the existing facilities, so the non-fast lane are even more backed up resulting in people missing flights even if they arrived 2 hours earlier. Heck of a job Brownie.

The US also has fastlane at airports but these are associated with frequent flier programs. If an airline ticket includes same air taxes why is that a marketing program by the airlines translates to favoured treatment by Public servants? If Airline picks up the tab so be it but if the tax payer is, then I am against it. I say the let frequent fliers or business class have the same misery as the rest of us.

As for Germany. Wow, try catching a US bound flight from Frankfurt. The screeners here are particularly skilled in anti-customer service. I have watched Xray lines not moving because of no plastic bins at input, the screeners are standing around talking and their sister lines getting their plastic bins. Here I heared important security conversations similar to our TSA: “Ach scheiss. Ich bin so gelangweilt. Wann ist meine Pause?”

Rewind a week or so, and I was the subject of a liquid violation in my hand luggage. It was busted carrying a jar of honey that I'd bought from a farmhouse. The farmer assured me that plenty of travelers had bought honey from him so it wouldn't be a problem. Au contraire Mr. Farmer. I was given a strict telling off by the TSA : “Sir, honey is a liquid and NOT allowed”. I would have to check it in. 6$ to miss my flight, no thanks. As they walk away I watched them show my illicit counterband to their colleagues and by the raised eyebrows and smiles, I could see that my farmhouse honey would be enjoyed during their hallowed break.

Bah, foiled again by the TSA.

Being the scheming rebel that I am, I've wondering how I could get around the honey ban on my carry on. I read the TSA website and solids are not part of the ban.

AHA, I have an idea: Refrigerate my honey to make it solid. Of course there practicalities to iron out such as rushing to the airport before the honey melts but I'll work out that at a later date.

However, that idea falls down on the technicality that I am sure they'd get me with the gel category. I can see it now being pulled up again with words of “Sir. Frozen Honey is a gel and NOT allowed”.

Not wanting to make TSA's break any more pleasurable, it's back to the drawing board.

EUREKA. I have it. The answer lies in Ms Hamlin's humiliation.

I will refrigerate my honey then sculpt them into body jewelry. Not only that I'll fly business class ticket to fast track the lines before it returns to room temperature. My supercooled jewelry will pass XRAY and I'll get to take my honey on board.

Better still, if it is confiscated again, I will cry “Civil Rights” violation and my lawsuit would make me rich. The payoff would buy me honey for life.

HAHA I say and I assume a Doctor Evil pose with my evil pinky finger in my mouth.

There's only one minor flaw in this plan: Persuading people to eat my honey that have been next to my body parts.

I give in. I will have to check it in after all. You've beaten me down TSA:Phileas Fogg loves Big Brother.

Phileas Fogg
Houston, Texas
April 06 2008