YOU ARE GROUNDED !!!

As a man who has been around the world in 80 days, How could I not comment about what happened this week?
Commenting on what, Mr. Fogg?

The exciting college basketball final? No, I didn't watch it.

The Democratic Pres beauty contest? No, there's enough column inches on that. Off topic but there's a skit waiting to happen with the swimsuit portion of this contest: Hillary in a postage stamp top and a thong, Barack in a spedo or Vice versa. URGHG. Don't go there. I need to wash my brain in bleach

The Fuel prices going up? No, but I intend to comment on it at a later time.

OK I give in. So, what's the story Morning Glory?

The American Airlines maintenance fiasco.

Ah that. I heard something about it. So what's up there? Well, to paraphrase Churchill, it is a puzzle wrapped in an enigma.

Huh? It relates to all the cancelled flights due to Federal mandated maintenance and identifying who is to blame.

OK, I'm with you so far. With 300,000 people stranded, the press has been laying into American Airlines. CNN Interviews with pissed off people, many vouching never to fly AA again. Blah, blah, blah. Yeh, I heard that.

According to TRAVEL WEEKLY 10th April, "Gerard Arpey, American Airlines' CEO, said he takes "full personal responsibility" for the cancellation of nearly 2,500 flights over the past three days." That is very magnanimous Mr CEO but I'm more sceptical of this being a one person leadership issue.

Dig deeper and it is about FAA changing the goalposts after criticism from Congress on being too buddy buddy with the airlines of safety inspections.

You'll also find out that the issue with the wheel wiring has been there since 18 months and suddenly, the FAA plays hardball. AA are unable to publicly fight back as it is a perception issue: Nobody can ever criticise "SAFETY" precautions as they'll be perceived as being lax on safety. Could the wheel inspections been speeded up, absolutely. Was it a show stopper ? Probably not but nobody will go on the record and say that. There is all pain but no gain in that. Feds come across as blameless but they not.

What is not being discussed is the vintage of aircraft that US carriers fly. I don't know if you noticed but these are MD80's. I am not saying that there is anything wrong with MD80's but they are well, pretty old. Come to think of it, you are right there.

Modern aircraft are Boeing or Airbus. Being familiar with Reliability, the older the machinery, the more it comes nearer it's wareout stage so maintenance is going to be more costly. Beside, modern aircraft should have better designs for safety.

Are the US carriers upgrading their fleet in the near future? I'd like to say yes but with fuel prices going north and credit crisis peeling away everyday, it is unlikely. They will be cash strapped.

At this moment, I don't seek out a particular aircraft to fly on. However, on board I do notice the quality and features of the aircraft. I recently flew Lufthansa on a new airbus which had the toilets downstairs from the main cabin. This avoided queues in the aisle after the post-meal rush. I also flew Virgin and enjoyed it's in flight entertainment system. My BA inflight system was also pretty good. However, I've flown Continental, their in flight systems suck (as well as their food).

I have had two recent experiences with Continental and maintenance problems. 1st was when my flight from Hawaii to Guam was delayed when electrical system had a fault just as were were taxi-ing away from our gate. So why was that a issue? The bummer was that we couldn't de-board and AC was out and Hawaii was a pretty hot place: Pretty sweaty, pretty quickly, not so pretty, if you know what I mean! My second experience, was last saturday when flight to Detroit was delayed by four hours due. The cause, the no show of the plane due to maintenance. It was frustrating at depart time changed from 10:20 to 11:00 to 11:30 to 12:30 to 1:15 to 1:30 to 2:45.
So, after probably 10's millions of dollars in lost revenue and 300,000 discontented passengers disrupted in their lives, tarnished reputations all around, is the Maintence policy of an aircraft a marketing thingy? You mean a competitive advantage? Uhm, I guess so.

No. I'd argue it is an enabler but a competitive disadavantage if you don't have it.

Could you expand on that? I am not going to select my flight based on a company that has a good maintenance record. However, it is going to influence my decision over a competitor that has a poor policy. Even though Houston is a hub for Continental, I do look at alternatives to not fly with them.

Bottom line : I am prepared to pay some premium to an airline that is more enjoyable to fly with, spacier seats, offers me a free beer, gets me there on time. Oh yeh. I just received a text from someone in Terminal 5 - see previous - it would be nice to have my luggage with me.

Thank you Mr. Fogg for the conversation, Sorry but I must dash. I have a flight to catch.

Not if you are flying AA you ain't....

Phileas Fogg,
Houston, Texas
April 12th, 2008

BTW: The Chicago Times has a great article on this which discuss the complex issues.

The TSA and it's Honey Pot Sting

The other week, the TSA was in the news about requiring a Lubbock passenger to remove her nipple rings before she could fly. Since one of the rings was 'stuck', she allegedly had to remove it with pliers. A demand for public apology emanated and a big hue and cry emanated. Oh, the humanity. If Mandi Hamlin was so publicly humiliated, why did she subsequently go on the news networks? Oh yes, the talk of a civil action lawsuit about 'rights being violated'.

Yes, yes, yes, security like safety, is necessary and important but I struggle to like the TSA or their international equivalents. My beef is that I rarely see them helping the traveler. I guess this is where the alternative name for TSA “Thousands Standing Around” comes from.

I was at the airport this Saturday morning - a quiet day - but all four lines were going painfully slow with queues backed up. The bottleneck was the stack of trays at the output of the Xray machines. There were plenty of TSA personnel but they weren't they helping clear the line. They could have moved some bins. At the same time, I overheard a few bitching about when they could take their break but were oblivious to the people they are supposedly serving.

Earlier, I watched a TSA checker give a family a hard time about the bottle contents that the baby was drinking from. Of course, the baby cried when the liquid was poured out in order to go proceed and boy what a howl he had.

It is not just the US but the UK and Germany have similar issues with queues and bizarre security rules.

In the UK, there is one particular recent stupid rule that you can only have 1 piece of hand luggage to enter into the security area. One time in Gatwick, I had a laptop bag and a camera case around my neck. I was told that camera had to go inside my already full laptop back or into my check in. I know people who had stuff stolen from check in luggage so that wasn't an option. Anyhow, I managed to stuff it into one and after security it went into 2 seperate carry on items again. Absolutely stupid.

Another stupid idea the UK is playing around is Fastlane for security at Liverpool airport. Essentially you pay $4 to go through another lane that has no lines in it. Great idea except that you've already paid security fees in your airport taxes. Another thing is this arrangement has diverted capacity out of the existing facilities, so the non-fast lane are even more backed up resulting in people missing flights even if they arrived 2 hours earlier. Heck of a job Brownie.

The US also has fastlane at airports but these are associated with frequent flier programs. If an airline ticket includes same air taxes why is that a marketing program by the airlines translates to favoured treatment by Public servants? If Airline picks up the tab so be it but if the tax payer is, then I am against it. I say the let frequent fliers or business class have the same misery as the rest of us.

As for Germany. Wow, try catching a US bound flight from Frankfurt. The screeners here are particularly skilled in anti-customer service. I have watched Xray lines not moving because of no plastic bins at input, the screeners are standing around talking and their sister lines getting their plastic bins. Here I heared important security conversations similar to our TSA: “Ach scheiss. Ich bin so gelangweilt. Wann ist meine Pause?”

Rewind a week or so, and I was the subject of a liquid violation in my hand luggage. It was busted carrying a jar of honey that I'd bought from a farmhouse. The farmer assured me that plenty of travelers had bought honey from him so it wouldn't be a problem. Au contraire Mr. Farmer. I was given a strict telling off by the TSA : “Sir, honey is a liquid and NOT allowed”. I would have to check it in. 6$ to miss my flight, no thanks. As they walk away I watched them show my illicit counterband to their colleagues and by the raised eyebrows and smiles, I could see that my farmhouse honey would be enjoyed during their hallowed break.

Bah, foiled again by the TSA.

Being the scheming rebel that I am, I've wondering how I could get around the honey ban on my carry on. I read the TSA website and solids are not part of the ban.

AHA, I have an idea: Refrigerate my honey to make it solid. Of course there practicalities to iron out such as rushing to the airport before the honey melts but I'll work out that at a later date.

However, that idea falls down on the technicality that I am sure they'd get me with the gel category. I can see it now being pulled up again with words of “Sir. Frozen Honey is a gel and NOT allowed”.

Not wanting to make TSA's break any more pleasurable, it's back to the drawing board.

EUREKA. I have it. The answer lies in Ms Hamlin's humiliation.

I will refrigerate my honey then sculpt them into body jewelry. Not only that I'll fly business class ticket to fast track the lines before it returns to room temperature. My supercooled jewelry will pass XRAY and I'll get to take my honey on board.

Better still, if it is confiscated again, I will cry “Civil Rights” violation and my lawsuit would make me rich. The payoff would buy me honey for life.

HAHA I say and I assume a Doctor Evil pose with my evil pinky finger in my mouth.

There's only one minor flaw in this plan: Persuading people to eat my honey that have been next to my body parts.

I give in. I will have to check it in after all. You've beaten me down TSA:Phileas Fogg loves Big Brother.

Phileas Fogg
Houston, Texas
April 06 2008

Zip Codes

I was recently on standby for my flight back to Houston. Despite repeated calls on the intercom, the last remaining passanger did not turn up at the gate. Tough luck for him, horray for me.

Instructions were given to remove the luggage and I was given ok to proceed to board.

As I walk down the ramp, I brace myself for the cold stares from other passengers as I would be blamed for the delay in getting off.

I see the Stewardess near the plane door - a pretty hispanic late 20 something - and she stops me before I walk up the aisle. She leans over and quietly whispers something where I caught only the first word "Sir." whisper whisper whisper whisper was the rest.

I pause and puzzle over what she just said to me.

- Thought 1: It must be my debanoir business suit and she is flirting with me, naturally mistaking me for a captain of industry instead of the corporal which I am. No, don't think so.

- Thought 2: Surely, she hasn't the gall to rebuke me for holding everyone up. It didn't sound like 'wtf are you doing dumbass?'. Nah, this is Continental not Ryan Air.

Hmm. What could Whisper whisper whisper whisper be?

Oh. The penny drops and in a flash I understand what she'd said: "Sir. Your flies are undone."

ARGHHH. Crash and burn time as I turn around, take care of the situation and sheepishly go to my seat.

:)

Phileas Fogg,
Houston, Texas
3rd April 2008